So many times throughout the last ten weeks people have said – you’re doing such an amazing job!, you’re superwoman or wow I don’t know how you do it! Generally, I am grateful for the lovely compliments and proud of the fact the I have made it this far and everyone is healthy and for the most part happy. But this week it was tested.
I have had 3 weeks of sick babies and a toddler who needs my attention. Thats when it wears me down. Now, I am a very capable person with a good head on my shoulders. In my work life I have managed many pressures and extreme stresses but nothing prepares for when it all starts getting too much in the home! I have four dependents who weren’t here two years ago and that can bring a lot of pressure. There have been times when I wonder am I suffering from post natal depression? And then feel guilty for even thinking that when so many others have a real diagnosis. Why don’t I have the same elation I did with my first pregnancy? And then guilty for thinking I don’t have the same bond with each girl. Am I spending enough time with each? And then guilty for spending too much time with one and not another. Guilty, guilty, guilty! Then if someone asks how one is doing over the other – can I answer this? Its sometimes quite scary and overwhelming. I love my children with all my heart but scare that the bond I have with my little boy wont be there with the three girls. This is purely down to the fact that I am fire fighting a lot of the day and I’m trying to spread myself so that all fires are put out.
It is not easy and even the most together and organised would struggle to keep this all a float. I am realising that I am not perfect and sometimes I just need to ask for help – or a break! This is where being a single mum of four gets really tricky. Guilt is a terrible trait and I will do my best to not let it get to me. Every once and a while you get a smile, a kiss or a hug from your kids and you realise all is not lost you’re doing a great job!